


And No One Else Could Come Between

by darkangel86



Series: My Sunshine [12]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Insecure Simon Lewis, M/M, Panic Attacks, Protective Magnus Bane, Simon Lewis Needs a Hug, Worried Alec Lightwood, Worried Jace Wayland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-10 22:34:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13511148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkangel86/pseuds/darkangel86
Summary: He'd been doing so good for so long now that he'd almost forgotten what it was like to have an 'off' day. But sure enough, the fear and anxiety about not being enough for anyone had come rearing its ugly head back at him just in time to see himself suddenly left alone in the loft.





	And No One Else Could Come Between

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nikka001](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikka001/gifts).



> So, uh. Long time no talk? Oops. I did not mean for it to take this long to update this series! I am so sorry!!
> 
> There is one teeny tiny warning at the beginning of this that could be taken as a suicidal thought. Its fleeting and goes almost as fast as it comes but just in case, it is there.
> 
> Also, Nikka001, this is for you. Your extremely nice comment seemed to kick me into gear! I hope you enjoy. :)

Simon scowled as he kicked one of his sneakers across the room. With a sigh, he dropped down onto his bed face first, for once glad he didn't actually need air to breathe anymore. With the mood he was in, and had been in for what felt like days, he didn't care if he suffocated at this point. Maybe everyone would be better off without him. And with that thought, Simon found himself sitting up in bed, mentally scolding himself for thinking that way.

He'd been doing so good for so long now that he'd almost forgotten what it was like to have an 'off' day. But sure enough, the fear and anxiety about not being enough for anyone had come rearing its ugly head back at him just in time to see himself suddenly left alone in the loft.

Fine. So maybe he and Jace had had a fight but it wasn't like it was the first time they'd ever fought! Not since meeting and not since they'd started dating but for some reason, this time Jace had been able to get under Simon's skin much easier than he usually could. They'd fought over the stupidest thing! It was so insignificant he wasn't even sure he could remember properly what had started the fight. He remembered snapping at Jace and Jace had rolled his eyes at him and then they'd started yelling and at one point Simon thought he remembered Alec poking his head into the room to see if everything was okay. That was when Jace had stormed out, Alec apparently following.

So now here he sat. Alone. The loft empty for once. There always seemed to be someone around, if not all four of their little family. Finding himself alone was suddenly the last thing Simon wanted. He knew it shouldn't be possible but his head hurt. He had a headache. His chest felt tight but luckily his breathing wasn't out of control. Hopefully it wouldn't get that far. The last thing he wanted was to have a panic attack after he'd gone without one for months.

Of course in the back of his mind, running like wild fire, were the words he'd gone so long without hearing. He was useless. Unwanted. Unloved. It was bad enough that he hadn't even been sure at the time why he was fighting with Jace but now to be bombarded with the things he feared most? Simon stood eerily still in the middle of the room he shared with Jace and just breathed deep. He would not succumb to a panic attack. Nothing was wrong with him. He was safe. He was loved. He was home. Just because he'd had a fight with Jace and he had left with Alec didn't mean that Magnus was going to suddenly decide there was no room for him. Magnus wouldn't do that.

 _Or would he_? A traitorous voice in the back of Simon's mind asked. It wasn't like Simon had any real connection to Magnus, not like Alec or Jace did. So what was keeping him from tossing Simon out like yesterday's trash?

“No, no. NO.” Simon whispered harshly as he began to pace the suddenly too small room. It was just a fight. A little argument! No one could blame him for, for being fed up with Jace leaving his weapons lying all over the room! And yes! That was exactly it! Simon had no more than set both feet into their room before he found himself nearly face planting into the floor because he'd tripped over one of Jace's swords. That was why he'd snapped. He'd asked Jace to stop leaving his stuff lying around everywhere and Jace had rolled his eyes at him and- Simon stopped. He'd snapped, just started yelling and he couldn't even remember what he'd said before Alec had shown up and then they'd both left and Simon was alone again. He hated being alone. The silence made his skin crawl. Suddenly it was hard for him to breathe the stupid air that he didn't even need anymore!

Gasping, Simon tore out of the slowly shrinking room. He raced through the main living area and threw open the doors to the balcony. Fresh air! He needed fresh air, he needed to be able to breathe again. He needed, he needed... he needed Jace. Magnus. Alec. He needed his family and they'd all left him! He was alone and something wasn't right. He wasn't meant to be alone! Someone was always supposed to be with him but no. Wait. He'd been getting better! He had! Holding tight to the edge of the balcony, Simon looked down, the cold night air suddenly registering to him. He gasped and threw himself backwards, nearly tripping over his own two clumsy feet and landing sideways on the little bench seat Magnus had outside for him and Alec to relax on after a long day of work.

Simon gripped the arm of the bench tightly in his hand, relishing in the coldness of the metal. It was almost as it was grounding him. Simon shook his head, trying to clear away the random negative thoughts that were still swirling around in his mind. He was fine. He was safe. He was loved. He was home. He kept repeating that to himself, eventually muttering it even as a cold rain began to fall. 

“Simon!” Jace yelled, snapping the other boy out of his thoughts. Wide eyes turned to look up at Jace just as Alec came dashing around him, a towel in his hands. Simon couldn't help but lean into the warm embrace when Alec immediately wrapped it around his shoulders. As if he weighed nothing at all, Simon gasped as Alec swung him up into his arms and carried him back inside the loft, the doors to the balcony slamming shut behind them.

“What were you doing out there?” Alec asked and even with the fog in his head Simon could register the worry in the other man's voice.

“N-needed to b-breathe.” Simon stuttered as he finally registered just how cold the rain had been. “Y-you left and I, I was mad. A-at myself. S-so stupid.” He muttered, missing the look that passed between Alec and Jace.

“You're not stupid, Simon,” Jace said, suddenly beside Simon on the couch. “Did you have a panic attack? Is that what happened?” He asked.

“Tried n-not to. Didn't want to.” Simon answered as Alec continued to dry him off with a second towel. Where was he getting all these towels? Simon wondered, apparently out loud when Alec snorted a laugh, pausing briefly.

“I shouldn't have left like I did,” Jace said, sighing as he dropped his forehead down onto Simon's shoulder.

“S'fine. My fault.” Simon replied. “Always my fault. I'm sorry. Please. Don't make me leave.” He pleaded and despite his state of mind, he knew the instant both men froze against him.

“What? Make you leave?” Jace asked, confused. “What are you talking about?”

“I don't mean to be difficult.” Simon said, confusing the two men even more.

“Simon, you are the least difficult person I know.” Alec said, as sincerely as he could. “No one is making you leave. Where did you get the idea that we would?”

“I. I figured you wouldn't want me here if I, if I was fighting with Jace. He's your Parabatai. I'm not anything.” Simon admitted sadly.

“Now that has to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard you say, Sherman.” Magnus said, startling all three men. “And that's saying something because I sat for twenty minutes last week just listening to you debate the benefits of the Star Wars universe verses the Star Trek universe. Still not entire sure which universe was the victor.” The warlock muttered, mostly to himself.

“Wars.” All three men instantly replied and Magnus sighed with a roll of his eyes before snapping his fingers and changing Simon into clean dry clothes.

“Now, stop talking nonsense and tell daddy what's wrong.” Magnus said as he shooed Alec and Jace away from Simon so that he could pull the shivering vampire into his arms.

“He thinks we're going to make him leave.” Alec said, sounding bewildered, as he stood back from the two seated on the couch.

“Because we got into a fight.” Jace added.

“But you two fight all the time?” Magnus asked, confused as to why this fight was any different.

“It was just a silly argument. I wasn't even really mad. But I left-” Jace started.

“You left him thinking you were angry with him?” Magnus demanded, standing and stepping into Jace's personal space.

“Magnus! I left to go get a stupid rack for my stupid weapons that he was complaining about!” Jace explained in a hurry.

“What?” Simon asked, his eyes widening in shock.

“You were yelling that my stuff was always thrown all over the room and that what if one time you came in and tripped and fell onto an arrow, which, I rolled my eyes at because I don't use arrows,” Jace explained and Simon suddenly felt about a big as an ant. Of course he'd overreacted. Of course he had. "So I figured I could find something lying around at the Institute to use so Alec and I left to head over to see if there was something I could nick without anyone missing it."

“But you left him alone, Jonathan.” Magnus said again and Simon watched as Jace's shoulder's slumped in defeat.

“I didn't think he was really that mad. I just thought he was being his little over dramatic self.” Jace admitted with a grimace.

“I think I was,” Simon said. “But I was already in a bad mood and I just took it out on you and then I guess I panicked when I realized I was by myself and my stupid brain kept telling me that this was it, I'd finally pushed you too far and Magnus was going to ask me to leave and I don't have anywhere to go and I really don't want to go back to the boathouse and I, I couldn't breathe so I ran out on the balcony and I guess it started raining but I didn't care? I was scared I was going to lose you and I, I'm sorry.” Simon said, nearly all in one breath.

“But why did you think I would make you leave? Darling, you aren't going anywhere until you are ready to leave and if it so happens that you never want to go, then you will always be welcome here.” Magnus assured him. “This is as much your home as it is mine.”

“I'm sorry. I guess I just, I panicked and everything just went straight into worst case scenario mode.” Simon said with a frown.

“You should have called one of us,” Alec said, speaking up as he draped the damp towel around his neck. “You know you can always call us. We will always come running.”

“I thought-” Simon started to say but found himself interrupted.

“We were mad.” Alec finished with his own sigh. “Its going to take a lot more than you yelling at Jace to make me mad enough to want you gone.” He admitted with a smile.

“Thanks, Alec.” Simon replied, a tiny smile gracing his lips as he looked up at the other man.

“I am sorry though.” Jace said as he dropped down into a crouch in front of Simon. “I didn't mean to make you think I was that angry.”

“Its okay.” Simon replied with a shrug of his shoulders.

“But its not. Simon, I'm not ever going to want to you leave, okay? I love you. So what if we fight. Its not gonna make me suddenly not love you. Even if you're over reacting.” Jace smirked and Simon groaned. “But that's okay too. You can't always help how you react to things. So, I'm sorry for making the situation worse.”

“Thank you.” Simon whispered as he leaned into Jace's touch. “And I'm sorry for over reacting. Sometimes my mind makes a situation so much worse than it really is and even though I know that, I can't always stop it.” He admitted.

“That's not something for you to apologize for. You can't help it.” Jace said as he stood up only to sit himself down beside of his boyfriend on the couch.

“We've all got our own issues,” Alec said. “Not all of them make sense but that doesn't mean we can do anything about them.”

“And you know as well as I do, Sheldon, that this is your home just as much as it is Alec's or Jace's so, no more thinking I'm going to send you packing! Least of all for yelling at Jace!” Magnus teased then smiled as he felt some of the tension bleed out of the room.

“Okay.” Simon said, this time with a real smile. “I'll try not to let myself think those thoughts anymore but if I do, I promise I'll call someone if I'm alone.”

“Wonderful! Now that everything is settled, how about dinner?” Magnus asked with a grin. “I am starving!”

Simon sighed and let his eyes drop closed as Jace settled against him on the couch. He was fine. He was safe and he was loved. This was his home and his nervous anxiety be damned, he wasn't going anywhere.

**Author's Note:**

> Well. It definitely felt good to work on this series again. Hopefully the next update won't take nearly as long! Thank you all for the comments and kudos I continue to get on almost a daily basis for this! You guys rock!! <3


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